Author: Alex Doenau

Alex Doenau is an Australian film and book critic based in Sydney. His interests include video games, Pokémon, and amiibos as far as the horizon.

About: Protection from Ganados

Leon Scott Kirby (from Something Awful forums)

I updated my About page. Hopefully it will contain things to either interest or enlighten you. I’ve made a new vow: I will finish writing about 2007 before the Oscars, which I plan on not liveblogging this year because I got terminally bored last time (wait, they’ve got Jon Stewart back? Urgh, I might have to eat my words).

So I’ve got a week to do four months and the Arbitrary Awards. Which I still have to devise. I have to relocate all of my tickets, but it can be done folks … I believe in me.

Cryptonomicon, or: Randy Waterhouse’s Incredibly Convoluted Quest for Nazi Gold

I realise that a good few of my few good readers are big fans of Neal Stephenson. I do realise that if I say anything against him I’ll never be allowed to release any fiction of my own. I’ll start with some personal background for you:

I get through two or three books in the average working week. Snow Crash took me maybe a day and a half, and I had a good, brief time. Cryptonomicon took me in excess of two weeks. I had a mighty uphill struggle reading this book. You can’t say “But Alex, Snow Crash is only 230 odd pages, to Cryptonomicon‘s 918!”. Indeed, they are very different beasts. By the logic stated here, it should have taken me merely four times as long to read Cryptonomicon. Length has nothing really to do with the speed of reading; in the week after Cryptonomicon I read somewhere in the neighbourhood of 1000 pages.
No, friends, Cryptonomicon is dense. It’s dense and many things happen in it while, at the same time, nothing happens at all.

The Coen Brothers’ next movie: No Country For Yiddish Policemen

Variety reports that the next movie from the Coen brothers will be an adaptation of Michael Chabon’s The Yiddish Policemen’s Union. Now, you probably wouldn’t know it from the amount that I’ve written, but I like books and I like movies. I saw No Country For Old Men for the third time last night, because it’s just that awesome. I read The Yiddish Policemen’s Union in December.

I guess that The Yiddish Policemen’s Union is not that obscure a book, but I get trapped in my judgement of such things because, outside of my family, I don’t really know anyone who reads. I’m interested in seeing how it gets translated into a movie because the book is really written in an entirely different world. In theory, every one of the characters is speaking Yiddish, unless they swear, in which case they’re speaking “American”. Obviously that’s an easier concept to get across in a book than on screen.
The idea of the novel is that, after World War II, the Jewish people were given a settlement in Alaska, and the lease is about to run out. There is no Israel, and if there is, it’s one that’s somehow more dangerous than the one of today. Stranger still is the way Chabon has written it: in third person as if it were the first. It took me quite a few pages to get into it.

Still, the story is sound, and it would be amazing if they could bring Sitka to life as it is in the book. Really, this has all of the makings of a great detective story – with cows! – and I look forward to it, despite there being an intervening movie for the Coen brothers.

Post Script: It will be interesting also to see if there will be an attendant controversy as there was in the book: Jewish organised crime? That’s Anti-Semitic, Jewish Author Michael Chabon! You hate your own kind! How dare you write villainous Jews into a book populated entirely by Jewish characters! Oh.

CJ7

What the Hell?

CJ7, Stephen Chow’s latest movie, was released in China at the end of last month. It’s already showing at Reading Market City, in a limited engagement – and what the heck is it? I really couldn’t tell you. The allegedly heartwarming but more likely “what the heck?” adventure of a young boy, his impoverished father, and the alien that he brings home from the dump. It’s also an examination of how there’s no use in sending your son to a private school if he doesn’t do any work, and how OH&S is the most important thing in the world.

Dicky Chow is poor. He cannot afford toys. When the ball that his father fetches from the dump turns out to be an alien dog-thing, a new adventure is born!

Except there’s not that much adventure to it. CJ7 is an odd duck of a movie; the centrepiece of comedy, replete with shot for shot remakes of a scene from Kung Fu Hustle makes no sense – and then turns out to have been a dream sequence anyway. I spent a large amount of this movie turning to Oliver and Vanessa in the seats next to me and putting my arms up in the universal motion of “I’ve got nothing”.
Don’t take this as a negative reading of the film, though: I spent a great deal of it laughing, and part of that may have been due to my trying to figure out what the heck was going on. This is nothing like E.T.: CJ7 – for that is the name bestowed upon the alien thing by Dicky – has no interest in going home, but rather a simple interest in being a pet. Heck, there’s not even any controversy about government agencies wanting to come in and claim back the alien. There is conflict between the rich bully kids with their weird hairstyles and bad dubbing and Dicky, and conflict between Dicky and his father (which, blah blah, true heart of the movie), but none of it flows.

The unwritten law of these sorts of comedies is that they have to go super maudlin before they return to the super-happy status quo. CJ7 is no exception to this rule, and covers this ground in spades. On top of that, the theme song for the movie is “Sunny”, by Boney M. I don’t think there really is anything more that can be said than that. Americans can look forward to being confused by CJ7 in March.

Runaway: Drag Queens in the Desert

When it comes to Runaway: A Road Adventure, I’m pretty sure I’m not trying anymore. I had forgotten how obscure video game solutions could be, and was grateful that Pendulo Studios were kind enough to have created a game that didn’t lead to horrible deaths or irreversible mistakes that set you back hours of gameplay (yes, again, I am looking at you, Sierra).

Mention of story and solutions to an obscure multi-year old game contained within!

Marching for fake rights in video games

I’ll admit that I get frustrated when a video game offers a lesbian option for your protagonist but not a gay one. (And, for the sake of this write-up, “gay” and “lesbian” are two sides of the same coin, divided by gender).

I was thinking of this because of the Mass Effect discussions, one of the classic rebuttals of which is “It’s not a lesbian relationship, that’s a blue alien in whose species only one gender exists”. Well, if it looks like a blue woman, talks like a blue woman, and copulates like a blue woman … for all intents and purposes, it’s a woman. Who is blue. I did read a good argument about this, though:

Who gives a shit if there's fag sex in Mass Effect[?]

A valid point and well made; can’t argue with that.

Video Games Hate Me, or: Saved by the Spanish

A few weeks back, I got Megaman Powered Up for my PSP. You may have heard of the PSP: it’s that machine which is used to remake PS One games and not much else, really. Well, Megaman Powered Up is a remake of the original Megaman for the NES. It has all of the old levels, plus retooled levels which can be played as any of the other bosses.
Capcom, for the last twenty years or so, have blatantly been leading the field in sadistic programming. The “Powered Up” stages are frustrating enough, but in playing the old stages you realise just how watered down a challenge you’ve been handed down. I’m not fool enough to throw my PSP around when I die, but I am going to stomp the ground (and not in the dance movie sense).
Ice Man’s stage is enough to make me want to destroy the world. Precarious jumps, and I’m being shot at? Hells yeah, Capcom. Hells yeah.

So I decided that I would put down my PSP (and this story is a bit lie-filled, because I haven’t devoted myself to MMPU [side note: PU. Think about it.] for a couple of weeks and got it out tonight) and venture into the land of the PC. Having recently acquired a computer that can actually function without attempting to start a new ice age, I decided naturally to play Grim Fandango, a ten year old LucasArts adventure game. Controlled solely by the keyboard. Yeah, I know: what the heckfire? And whenever I access the menu, the sound cuts out. The patch only part fixes that.
I decided that, despite the game’s high interest factor and the fact that you’re playing as Betty Suarez’s father, I will put it aside for now because navigating with the arrow keys is sending me mad.

So I put in the other game that I bought today (and again, these are lies: I bought Grim Fandango about six months ago without having anything suitable to play it on – the other other game I bought today was the new Sam & Max Series One: Episodes 1 to 6), a Spanish adventure game called Runaway: Dream of the Turtle, which kindly came with its predecessor, Runaway: A Road Adventure.
I have a sort of love for adventure games; I say a “sort”, because this genre can be absolutely unforgiving. I would not be surprised if Roberta Williams had sent many men to premature graves – and not through Phantasmagoria induced fear heart attacks (or fear orgasms, dependent on who you are). Yeah, screw you, Sierra.
Anyway, Runaway: A Road Adventure has a strange appeal to it that makes you forget that the sight of the characters talking is enough to make your eyes explode thanks to the quality of the cel-shaded character models. Watching the characters with beards – well, if you dwell on it life will cease to be worth living. It follows a brand of logic that is somewhat frustrating in the age of the FAQ (and that’s another thing about adventure games: in their “golden age”, which coincided with the days of easy disk copying, the guide books sold infinitely more copies than the games themselves).
You can’t sequence break because Brian, your character, has to have a reason to be doing what he’s doing. For instance, you can’t take a coffee packet from a garbage bin until you need it (when, surely, in an adventure game, you should be able to take whatever’s on offer within reason, “just in case”), but for some reason you can steal a Mayan figurehead with a giant ruby implanted. The solution to getting the ruby is actually pretty clever, but why you need to steal it is a pretty obscure idea that I would never have come up with if I didn’t have an FAQ open in another window (and who uses liquid nitrogen to charge a battery?! There’s no suggestion that this might be an idea until after you do it!)

Anyway, I’m only partway through the game, which has so far only used very limited environments and has yet to lend much of a character to the protagonist’s female counterpart beyond her accusing your character of trying to bail all the time. It’s interesting to see such a “dead” field brought back to life, and with such a begrudging logic, at that. At least no one will shoot at me while I try to make a tricky jump from one moving object to another. Damn you, Capcom.

(Further proof that video games hate me: I finally got XBox Live this week – and accidentally started my account separate to my 18 months’ worth of saves and achievements. Seems that nothing can be done to rectify this situation. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I’ve gone completely off my 360 and am back into anime[!].)

Joanna Newsom – Sydney Opera House, January 25th 2008

Many, many years ago, in 2004, I was made aware of the most intriguing song: “Peach, Plum, Pear”. Joanna Newsom’s voice on this song was nothing short of intriguing. At the time it was something like masochism. Because my friends hate me, they bought me her first album, The Milk-Eyed Mender.

Joke was on them: I listened to it most thoroughly, and learned to love Joanna. Her bite-sized songs were whimsical, sounded most pleasant, and you could acclimatise yourself to the voice. I think that she understands that herself, but it hasn’t stopped an army of support. In late 2005, I went and saw Joanna play the Metro. She cracked out some new songs which would go on to be recorded on Ys. I will admit here and now that I got lost in these songs, which is particularly easy considering that they’re each about twelve minutes long.
I bought Ys when it came out and it sounds beautiful but I honestly cannot tell you what any of it means.

Which brings us to Friday night, after almost four years of adventure: Joanna Newsom plays the Sydney Opera House, with the support of the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. Joanna began the show with Ys. Like … she literally played the album, start to finish, with some cursory nods to her band and to the orchestra. The lights were low and, frankly, the effect was somewhat soporiffic to someone who had been on his feet with work all week. I didn’t fall asleep, and I did enjoy what I was listening to, but Ys gives me a strong disconnect. I can’t follow the songs, they just seem to amble along with references to monkeys, bears, meteorites and meteoroids.

At the end of the first act, Joanna said that she would be bidding farewell to the orchestra and that the second half would be her older stuff. I was filled with a palpable excitement, while at the same time feeling like a terrible person: revelling in the safer stuff? What kind of fan am I!

So, cue the second half of the show: lights are brighter! It’s just Joanna Newsom and her band: one fellow on drums and backing vocals, Neal Morgan, and another alternating between the banjo and tambura, Ryan Francesconi. It was hard not to notice that Neal Morgan was not wearing any shoes – and so, at this juncture, Joanna decided that she would connect to the audience.
“Just before we came onto the stage tonight,” she told us, “And I mean, we were just waiting outside the door, Neal cut his foot on some glass. It was in his shoe. He told the conductor about it, and the conductor said ‘Oh! You found my shard.’ ‘Yeah, sorry I bled on it.’ It was great.”
That’s the sort of stuff I go to a show for. Joanna Newsom was finally at home with us, rather than having to endure the stiff formality of working with an orchestra, and we were well rewarded: “Bridges and Balloons” was our first treat. As we progressed, she played “Peach, Plum, Pear”, which sounded entirely different when performed with the aid of a drum, seeming more like an epic adventure than whatever it was on the original album. “Peach, Plum, Pear” is an intriguing song, but even to this day certain parts of the recording itself leave me wondering precisely what was being thought.

There was a song, “Colleen”, from the elusive Joanna Newsom and the Ys Street Band EP, which was definitely pleasant to the sound. Joanna herself was unwilling to name the EP because she thinks that the name sounds silly now – as many things do when you say them too much. In between songs, she also commented on the damper that Neal was using for his drum – a shirt that read “OBAMA ’08”. He told us that he had been informed that, if Obama gets in, he will be “the first world citizen to be President of the United States”. The audience cheered this, but you could tell that we weren’t really sure how to take it. Did Jet, for instance, play in the US wearing “KEVIN ’07” shirts? My friend Rowan informs me that Joanna said in the Saturday show that this had caused quite the controversy, which I suppose must have happened back stage. Still, the Saturday people got to observe the shirt.

We were treated to two nameless new songs as well, and the ultimate song for the band total – which I shamefully cannot recall off the top of my head – had Joanna telling us afterwards that a certain chord is broken in her mind, and that it’s one upon which Neal relies for an “epic harmony”. He says that she hates him for it and she would have to pay him $10 afterwards, like James Brown. A beautiful rendition of “Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie” capped off the night, but that would not be the end of it! No, Joanna came back on, with Neal and Ryan, and launched into … “Inflammatory Writ”! You read that right. Back when I saw her in 2005, Joanna took requests in her encore. She was asked to play “Inflammatory Writ”, but she hilariously could not remember all of the words. I had read in an interview that she needs to play the music to sing the words, and that they kind of guide each other.
To compound this, “Inflammatory Writ” is a piano song. She doesn’t normally play it on a harp.
What followed was her playing the song, and periodically forgetting a part, and then playing the part leading up to it again, while the audience called out the lyrics to her. It greatly endeared me to her on that evening. To hear Joanna playing “Inflammatory Writ”, note and word perfect, to truly call quits to the night, was a moment of perfection that saw me leaving the Opera House with a smile on my face and a song on my lips.

Godless Liberals: The Ruination of America

Shamus has put me in the mind of the past with his talk of Mass Effect and its HARDCORE NONEXISTENT SEX. I know that this post doesn’t exist (this one does), but it’s like a time capsule for me. This is another one of those instances where I fail pretty spectacularly to talk about video games, movies or pop culture, so you’ll have to forgive me.
Penny Arcade has also covered the ground, but not entirely accurately: like a great many Rightist sites, Town Hall likes to take their shots where it hurts – the gays. You can go to a great many of these sites and see, apropos of nothing, lists of reasons why gay people are awful and must be stopped.

12 Months of Movies 2007: August

August was a month where I made the pilgrimage to the end of Oxford Street not once, but twice! It therefore yielded some very fine movies indeed. It is around this point that I look at one of my very, very distant friends who has claimed that 2007 yielded less than six good films, and at my own experiences thus far, and at the more-than-one film critics (the one being Roger Ebert!) who have claimed that 2007 was a great year for film – and come to the conclusion that this friend of mine was talking out of his arse.
2007 rocked hardcore!