Author: Alex Doenau

“Perhaps I will make you disappear? Bwa!”

The Illusionist probably should have been called “Men with Silly Accents”, but alas! It was not. Torn down in its prime as perhaps the funniest turn of the century magical intrigue ever made, The Illusionist instead has to settle for being an enjoyable confection that makes perfect sense while making none whatsoever.

Transformers, He-Man, G.I. Joe et al are more my brother’s vintage. I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles boy, myself.

When I saw Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, I caught the majority of the new Transformers trailer. It was … hilarious in its badness. Now, the movies are a good way of telling people how to feel. We’ve had, over the years, homo panic, Islam panic, Commie panic, even North Korea panic.

Today, thanks to Michael Bay, we’ve got a new twist on AI panic: the fear that our cars will TURN INTO ROBOTS AND KILL US ALL. That’s why I don’t drive: I live in fear! The reason I upgraded from a Walkman to an iPod is because I’ve seen what Walkmen can do.

So if you look at Transformers, you can tell that what we’re in for is a ride of pure hell. There could, even as we speak, be a Transformer hiding in your pool waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting children. It is unclear precisely what this Transformer intends to do your little girl, as I believe that Decepticons run on fuel rather than blood. Perhaps plasma is simply delicious.

In fact, none of this makes any sense at all. That’s the good thing about irrational fear: it’s irrational. I don’t believe that society has a history of oppressing sentient machines, enslaving them to our whims. I’m more in league with the types of cars that burst into dance at the slightest provocation.

How Transformers can be anything but bad is beyond me. Unless it turns out to be a documentary: a stern warning of things to come. In which case, Michael Bay for Antichrist!

Due to my Australianity, I have chosen to avoid the internet so that I don't spoil the Oscars for myself. My computer is going King Slow, so I can't exactly update this anyway. So here we go: faking the Oscars in a stream of consciousness, as inspired by Mark!

I don't have predictions for reals, but I'll say who I think should win and whatnot at first.

Best Picture: I get the notion that Babel might win, but part of me says that The Departed could. I don't think that Little Miss Sunshine is a real contender, and The Queen seems an odd duck.
I've actually been ignoring the other awards ceremonies, so we shall see.

Best Actor: This is actually the category I've seen the least of, but I'm throwing it at Forest Whitaker for persuading me in The Last King of Scotland.

Best Supporting Actor: I'm going to say Jackie Earle Haley. Much as I love Mark Wahlberg, I think it would be a bit of a joke to give him the award. I suppose that even if he technically qualifies, The Departed was so long you wouldn't notice how good he was. I mean, that role for me is more about the C word than it is about dramatic quality.

Best Supporting Actress: They're going to give this to Jennifer Hudson maybe and, while she was good, check out that Cate Blanchett! She was white hot with passion and fire in Notes on a Scandal! Adriana Barraza is also deserving of recognition.

Best Director: What do I know of direction? Give it to Scorsese … although Eastwood should definitely be respected for getting people who don't even speak the same language to give him such dynamite. But! The same could be said of my friend Inarritu! Also, The Queen had magical atmosphere!
Damnit, these directors all caught the zeitgeist.

Foreign Language Film: Just give it to Pan's Labyrinth, because no one has heard of the other films.

Adapted Screenplay: Children of Men should win based on the fact that it's a good script that bears little or no resemblance to its source material. The Departed is also a good departure from its source material to make something awesometacular. Little Children still feels like a book, and Borat – the whole point was to make it seem unscripted. Oops, forgot how awesome Notes on a Scandal was.

Original Screenplay: Go Pan's Labyrinth! Perfect ending! The Queen was meticulous, Letters from Iwo Jima was heartfelt, Babel intricate and … well … you know what I think of Little Miss Sunshine.

Animated Feature Film: Monster House, because it's the only one on the list that doesn't make me wretch with hatred at the industry. I guess Happy Feet would have been super awesometacular great if it wasn't so freaking boring.

Original Score: You don't think much about this category until you realise that Pan's Labyrinth haunts your dreams.

Original Song: “Listen”, already beloved by the drag acts on Oxford Street. I'm looking forward to seeing Beyonce take it to the limit.

Warning: The contents inside are rambling, unedited and somewhat more political than I usually allow to get out on the site.